It's been still and quiet.
It started in the most amazing way. An ordinary morning so remarkably different. To others it would mean very little, but to my heart it was a gift.
For the majority of our marriage, at least the last 18 years, my husband has left for work around 4 AM. For a large portion of the year, he leaves in the dark and returns in the dark and with the exception of lunch, he is in an area without windows. Darkness.
Since I'm a night owl, I'm typically going to sleep only an hour or two before he gets up. Most of those years it was out of necessity. I had to wait until our kids were asleep to tackle housework, budget and meal plan, prepare the next day's schoolwork, Bible study, read... and breathe. Because of the difference in schedules, he typically only got a quick kiss, "I love you, be careful", and a groggy prayer partner. He's not even out of the driveway before I've taken over the entire bed and back asleep to grab another 2 or 3 hours.
By the time he gets home, he's not very talkative or energetic. Understandably! It's immediately time for dinner and straight to taking care of family needs and go -go-go. Not the most conducive time for deep conversations and connecting.
I'd always ached for mornings together. For years we've lived in various suburban subdivisions and I'd see other families and couples coming and going. I dreamed of just those few minutes. It may not matter to many, but it mattered to me.
Today, we got that chance. For the next several weeks or longer, his work schedule has shifted and he is leaving several hours later. That means he sees the sun and actually gains two hours of sleep. It does mean some adjusting to schedules and activities with a later arrival home, but we'll figure it out. It means that I didn't wake up to an empty bed when my alarm went off. I had someone to share in Bible study time, was alert and engaged as he prayed over our day, able to cook a quick breakfast to share together, and we had time to connect, laugh, and have conversation while at our best. Instead of while zombies. It was a gift to my soul. It's not forever, but I'm embracing each day as a treasured gift.
After he left, because all three of our kids are involved in service projects while it's spring break (boys local, daughter 16 hours away), I found myself alone.
In the stillness and quiet. For 10 hours straight.
It started out blissful. This introvert (to the extreme) loved it.
The quiet and no schedule just let me BREATHE. God reminded me of many blessings, either in facebook reminders, conversations, in study, and in WORSHIP. COMPLETELY GRAND. He and I had a great time.
But then....
The silence got so LOUD. Even over my music it got louder and louder.
I spent the day cleaning like a maniac. Completely enjoyed having so much productivity (and it was a great day in regards to lupus).
But as the afternoon rolled around and I really had very little left on my list, I panicked.
Literally.
Is this what my life is going to be like in just a few more short years? For 21 years I've been at home, devoting every waking minute to our family. Our kids never spent one day on a school bus. My life has always been about marriage, kids, and home. I've had years of in home childcare. I've had years of being extremely active in youth ministry and serving opportunities.
I've tried to begin to make sure my identity is about more than my roles as wife and mother. Making sure that as they leave the nest, I still have plenty to give, learn, explore and embrace. I am working towards that, but...
Today was still and silent.
Satan began to invade my thoughts with doubts, fears, panic, anxiety, and countless other less than "healthy" emotions. I fought back with worship and preaching truth to myself. Pulling from the arsenal and weapons of having spent time in His Word and personal relationship. I went to Him.
And He listened.
He reminded me of how I've been learning to trust, to take the next step even when I can't see the whole path, and that my worth and value is in Him. He reminded me that I don't need every answer, especially what's next and what if...I just need to cling to Him and let Him guide. No panic needed when looking at the future. Not in trying to see what's next or while waiting on some specific answers in more immediate concerns.
As the calm settled back in my heart, though still in an eerily quiet house, I heard the mail truck.
Waiting in the mailbox was direct confirmation of what my heart had just settled on.
Today it was a tangible reminder to KNOW deep in my heart that though I'm entering unknown new seasons with rapid changes, I can embrace the future with strength, dignity... and laughter. And her timing was heaven sent. Thanks, Mandy. Thanks, God, for listening and hearing me.
Maybe God was actually laughing at me a bit in my panic attack. He knew I already had a message from Him, through the hands of one on His obedient hearts. A message to remind me that though life is changing, it's still full of grand adventures, times to make a difference, and , yes, even laughter.
She Laughs.
